Jokes about doctors, nurses and patients
What ‘s the difference between a nurse and a nun?
– A nun only serves one God.
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
Doctor: I’ve got very bad news – you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.
Patient: Well, at least I don’t have cancer.
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”
First man: “I follow the medical profession.”
Second man: “Are you a doctor?”
First man: “No, I’m an undertaker.”
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
A man told his doctor he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said “Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”
The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
“Is it mine?”
A doctor said to his car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.”
A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.
Dr i can’t stop farting, sure they don’t smell and make no noise but still i can’t take it any more.
Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.
Dr what did you do to me not only am i still farting now they smell as well!
Oh very well, now about your hearing…
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If it is dry – add moist; if it is moisten – add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.
A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor said: “It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age.”
Patient: “The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?”
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, “I’ve not seen you for a while.”
The man replies, “Yes, I’ve been ill.”
A psychiatrist gives me some pills and says, ‘Take these and you’ll feel much better.’
I reply ‘But there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world!’
He says ‘Yes, I know, but it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.’
Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”